Stone Cold Pimpin’ in the Magnum Condom Car
Whenever I see Magnum Condoms or their logo I now think of Danny Devito’s character, Frank, in It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. To quote Frank’s advice regarding women, “I woulda gone in and bought a box of Magnum Condoms. Thus demonstrating that I have a monster dong.” This is sage advice from someone who’s been around long enough to know. So when I initially saw this car tricked out with this body wrap, I thought this must be a rep for the monster dong condom maker. But a closer inspection shows there’s no website, no phone number, and no advertising information of any type on the vehicle. It’s just one big rolling ad letting everyone know the driver believes he has a monster dong. Maybe he does.
But a more expensive car might be in order to prove what a straight up playa you truly are. A Chevy Malibu tricked out with the car wrap declaring your product allegiance doesn’t make me think this guy’s rolling in green. I don’t like to presume what someone else might be thinking, but this situation makes me really curious. And if it is a Company vehicle, I got to question their corporate thought process as well. Is money as tight as a regular fitting condom that Trojan feels compelled to shell out for of all things, a Chevy Malibu? “You! Yes you! An average man like yourself, in a boring car can have an above average wang! You need what I’m selling!” I’m burning to find out who thinks this is a really good idea, and what woman thinks, “Oh yeah! I’m riding’ in the Magnum Condom/monster dong car! This is what love must be like!”
I know someone who favors this brand of personal protection who admitted, he was initially embarrassed to be seen purchasing them. “I thought the clerk was giving me a look, like, ‘Yeah, right.’ But I used to rip the regular ones.” I related to him this was a problem most men wish they had. But he said these were more expensive and he was preternaturally cheap and didn’t need to spend more money than necessary to impress people he didn’t know. And if he was at the point where a condom was necessary, soon enough the truth would reveal itself. Most guys name their junk at some point. I know because most guys are happy to share to share these names with anyone curious enough to ask. Guess what guys? Your ex.’s are too happy to share this info as well. Usually it doesn’t even require being plied with liquor either.
I’ve heard of Roy, Luther, Ellwood, Niemen, Lance, Bubba, Hughie (a tribute to his favorite singer, no doubt),Carlton, Volder-dork, Fu Wang Chu, and someone’s still irritated ex-girlfriend shared this one with me, Buford. And my most average of hung friends named his Simba. I caught him and a new friend enjoying themselves in the parking lot outside a bar. It wasn’t extraordinary. I would not rush to refer to him as the next “great white hope.” What’s mine called? I don’t recall. Once it started getting used on a regular basis, I didn’t worry about such things.
But if you’re making claims to be the owner of a Monster Dong, shouldn’t an appropriate monster name be attached? Dong-Zilla, Dong Quixote, Sir Cocks-a-lot, Ram-Bone, Franken-Spurter, Dick Dastardly, Boner-Saurass Rex, or King Schlong? It would seem to be more on target somehow. Let’s get back to the Monster Dong Condom car. When it’s time to trade in the car for something else, who exactly is going to look at this special tricked out car that now lists for 4 grand in the Kelly Blue Book and says, “This is the car for me! I also have a ginourmous schlong and feel compelled to let everyone, everywhere know. I’m not content with showing the ladies one or two at a time. Stuck in traffic, take a good look! I’m Senor Mucho Grande! You know you wish you were me.”