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Where to begin?

on October 2 | by |

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Die another day.

How did  your story start?

I remember the doctor telling my mom, I was too young to know my sexuality. Of course this was after I had announced to my kindergarten class I wanted a boyfriend.  Want quickly turned into need rather fast. From a very young age I knew I was gay, or something of the sort. I thought to myself about why this may be. I blame Disney, and I thank them.  They showed me two ways of living life, I chose the easy one. I wasn’t interested in being the heroic prince. I wanted to be the the princess in a pretty gown or sea shells on my nipples. You know the one’s who don’t listen, get exactly what they want and look pretty the entire duration of the film. My doctor was incredibly wrong, I knew exactly what I wanted, I was pretty certain I would get it.  I had a way of getting the reaction, permission, smile, even the money I wanted. I had the world wrapped around my fingers from the age of 5. My grip over the people around me grew tighter with time. It kept me distracted from the fact I was in hell.

Did you fit in with others your age?

I couldn’t stand to be surrounded by others my own age they were so unmannerly, so vapid and unable to understand even simplest facts or instructions. It was hell, sheer hell. Children are so insipid, it was bloody torture, some kind of a sick joke.  I did feel alone, I knew I’d get what I wanted some day. My sexuality bloomed quite early in life, along side my curiosity. I think I was drawn to the enigma that comes with the past.  A quick way to find the past is with age. Older people were so much more interesting and mature, they had conversations that amounted to something. I couldn’t wait to get out of school. I was often dressed very fem, so much so that making out with straight boys at Starbucks, was never a problem. Even when some men realized I wasn’t a flat chested broad, they were still interested. I wasn’t looking for sex, I swear it wasn’t for the attention, it was a game. I wanted to experience the hunt, I wanted to be chased & fancied. Like the children from the playground, the city was my jungle gym. Instead of capture the flag it was capture the androgynous virgin fag.  I took notes, I asked questions I got answers and never gave them anything more than a kiss. I liked coming across the married men I asked them what they were missing from their marriage, and why they thought I could provide it.  Then I dropped my age into the equation and most would run. I liked the power I had when said, No. Rejection was fun, it was my after school science project.

I turned 16 in the first 2 weeks of March, and April 6th 2007. By this time I surpassed my young sex pistol phase. I was now a male vixen with a sexual grenade launcher & flame thrower combo tucked into the crotch of my pants. I had entered this world, this level strictly to explore. I knew I was playing with fire, what I didn’t know is, I was the gasoline.

What’s happened since you last wrote this?

I started setting fire to the world, at 17  I instantly started making my dreams a reality, Modeling, Fashion, Music, Production, and Writing. I accomplished and juggled all these things by the age of 20.  I spent a large portion of the time learning, always learning something new different and useful. I did this all while being introduced to love, with a photographer I met at a train station almost 5 years ago!   I try to be like my hero’s Bruce Lee, Bette Davis, Kiera Knightley, Alan Watts.

 

 

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